Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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