He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
