I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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