I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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