My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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