so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
