closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
