You're my little dorito
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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