sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
