So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
