I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
