God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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