He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
