I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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