so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
