hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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