I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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