Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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