someone threw a dead crab at me
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
