My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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