so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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