i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
