tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
