I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
