I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Randomize
