if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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