Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Randomize
