I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
