i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
