you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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