shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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