dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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