he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
