I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
