this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Who died my cat blue again?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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