im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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