Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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