Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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