God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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