On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
