all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Fuck me I smell like cheese
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
