Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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