Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
