I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
