I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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