Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
