I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
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