my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Randomize
