Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
