am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
