got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
