i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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