I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
